NY Bribing 'Bron 'Bron With Boobies & Beef

TMZ: May 11, 2010: 

 "LeBron James just got the sweetest offer in the history of mankind to move from Cleveland to the New York Knicks -- a lifetime of free stripper action.

The Cleveland Cavaliers star -- who will become a free agent after this season -- is getting million-dollar offers from several franchises to make the switch to their team ... but if LeBron inks a deal with the Knicks, New York's premiere strip club Scores says it'll give the basketball star: 

- A free lifetime of lap dances

- A "LeBron James Day" when all the strippers will wear his jersey

- And free food for life at the strip club's very own steakhouse

Good luck competing with that Utah!  

Well Lebron, you've got quite the offer served fresh on a NY platter.  I mean how can you beat free lap dances, steaks, and honey dips wearing your jersey on a designated Lebron James day?  At some point you have to cut your losses and realize that life's necessities don't include a ring. Food, a city wide day in tribute to you, and strippers are a token of survival.  Sure you may not have the ice to flash while some dip is grinding on your junk, but at least you'll have a nice cut of beef at all times, right?

David Ortiz supplies you with the Stat of the Week

As you all know David Ortiz will not be in the line up today against the Minnesota Twins. This statistically, specifically must of caught Terry Francona's eye:

44% of the time David Ortiz swings at a pitch he misses. The league average is 20%.

FU Joe West

"They're the two clubs that don't try to pick up the pace," said West, the chief of the umpiring crew working the three-game series, according to the report. "They're two of the best teams in baseball. Why are they playing the slowest? During Tuesday night's game, home plate umpire Angel Hernandez denied a number of requested timeouts in the batter's box. West did not allow Hernandez to comment, according to the report. "All of baseball looks to these two clubs to pick up the pace," West said, according to the report. "[Hernandez] did everything he could. The players aren't working with us."

Seriously, after the fucking debacle that was last years playoffs where more than a few games were decided on totally blown calls, no umpire in the entire MLB should be opening his mouth about anything. Joe West has absolutely positively no right whatsoever to bitch about the two best teams in the god damn sport having classic duels. I hope Joe West gets heckled to death every time he steps into Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park. What a douche bag. That guy has some fucking balls to bitch about players taking pitches and trying to paint the corners when his god damn crew blew at least two or three different plays in this series, and will blow at least 100 more calls throughout the season. Not to mention, fucking Joe West's strike zone was the size of his god damn dick through out the series, which he hasn't seen in at least twenty years. So Joe West do me a favor, shut the fuck up you fat fuck.

Rex Ryan has Surgery

March 14 (Bloomberg) -- New York Jets coach Rex Ryan underwent weight-loss surgery yesterday, the New York Daily News reported.

Ryan had a scheduled lap-band procedure at the NYU Medical Center and has returned to his home in New Jersey, the newspaper said today, citing Jets’ spokesman Bruce Speight.

His weight had risen to 340 pounds at the start of last season, the Daily News said. The surgery was to place a gastric band around the upper part of the stomach to make it smaller and hold less food, the newspaper reported.

HAHAHAHAHA! Nothing like having a fat ass, crying, overrated piece of shit in charge of your football operations. At least he knows there was nothing he could do about it and opted for the surgery. Good thing he's getting this surgery because now the newly signed Ladanian Tomlinson and him will be able to sit on the bench and cry while the Patriots and Bill Belichick prove why they are still the team to beat.

7 kids, but only 6 mothers

RADAR ONLINE-- Antonio Cromartie has seven kids by six women in five states, and a partridge in a pear tree. The Jets fronted him some cash to clear up his paternity suits before he reports to camp. Ladies and gentlemen, the NFL!

Where did that $12 million rookie contract go? Possibly for fertility treatments, because there are an awful lot of little Cromarties running around. Those little Cromarties need to be fed and clothed, and that ain't cheap. With a court date coming up this month, and more pending, he needs some money, and he needs it fast.

Those are my kids, and they're my responsibility," Cromartie said during a conference call with beat reporters. "I made some wrong decisions in my first two years (in the NFL), and I have to take on that responsibility."

"We realize that for Antonio to be available, someone of his talent, at his age (25), at his position, there were some circumstances that may have happened," said Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum, adding the organization did a thorough background investigation on Cromartie. "When we made the decision we felt the risk was reasonable given the price we had to pay. We're going to work with Antonio collaboratively to make sure we do everything organizationally to make sure he has the best opportunity to be successful."

Working with him collaboratively apparently means restructuring his $1.7 million contract to give him $500,000 now, as a bonus. Otherwise he wouldn't get paid until the start of the regular season, and who knows what paternity court he'd be in by then?

Too bad Travis Henry's probably retired. An uncapped year is the only time he could get enough to take care of his own baby issues.

You see there was just no way I wasn't going to find this article on Antonio Cromartie. You know why? Because I hate hate hate the fucking Jets. Can't stand them. I hate Rex Ryan. I hate Mark Sanchez. I hated Bill Belichick, until he fucked them. I hate Bill Parcells. I hate Joe Namath. Everything about them I hate.

So whenever I find something like this out, I love it. It's just outstanding.

The Jets traded for Antonio Cromartie, and in turn they took a chance on a player who has 15 career interceptions in his first 3 years. Ten of those picks came his rookie year. So, you can do the math. Yep, 5 over the last 2. So Rex Ryan, obviously thinks he can get Cromartie back to how he was his rookie year. The thing Ryan forgot, Cromartie has 7 kids. Yes, 7 fucking kids.

The best part about this, the Jets traded for him hoping he'd be a stud and in turn had to restructure his contract so he could get $500,000 real quick to get the 6 mothers -- yes I said that 6 mothers and 7 kids. (Who wants to take bets he has a set of twins?) off his back.

So Jet Nation, Rex Ryan I just want to say one thing. Good luck with Cromartie. I'm glad he's on your team and not mine. I'm glad you think him and Revis will allow you to blitz everyone else. We all know that's your pipe dream.

Just ask Travis Henry what happens when you have a great rookie year and decide to bang anything with two legs. Those ladies end up fucking you harder than you fucked them (no pun intended).